Greetings from the start of a brand new year of adventures, fellow rogues!
First of all: Happy New Year! May your 2015 be filled with adventure, laughter, loot, love and lipsticks! 😉
About this time last year, I posted a little quiz to let people find out what sort of beauty adventurer they were! Not long after that, I added one that you could take if you were curious which dungeon-dwelling monster you most resemble. 🙂 This year, I thought I’d go one step further! I hiked through the Mountains of Mystery to the Grotto of Enigmas, walked through the Archway of Portents and under the Overhang of Omens (these were all helpfully signposted, by the way). Why did I go to all this trouble friends? Why, to visit the Unpainted Oracle, and bring you back your 2015 Beauty Adventuring Horoscopes, of course! 😀
So here’s how it works: if you already know which Beauty Adventurer you are, read on! If you need to find out, please go right ahead and take my little quiz, then pop back to find out what 2015 has in store for you ❤ If you do go take the quiz, please feel free to comment, letting me know what you got! I’m thinking of making some more such quizzes, so let me know if it tickled your fancy! ^_^
Note! If you discover that you are a multiclass individual, say a Rogue Wizard or Warrior Druid, then you get both of those horoscopes! If you have a large proportion of ‘rogue’ in your build, you will probably choose only to take what you want from each of them. Technically this is not allowed, but, well… 😉
2014 was a despicably busy year for you. 2015 will probably be even busier, so no rest for the wicked, hah! You will go on a long journey, and take on profitable jobs from mysterious new quest givers. Your blush stash will suddenly expand for reasons that will only become clear once you have stacked them in three equal piles and danced around them while invoking the name of Moradin and quaffing ale. Your stance on gelatinous cubes and orange lipsticks will begin to soften after one rather sudden Monday; your stance on paladins will not. Do not buy primers in March, or your face will fall off. Lucky Number: 6, Lucky Monster: Beholder.
February will bring a brief period of minimal blood-saturation – enjoy it while it lasts, as it is also the ideal time to invest in new foundations. You will meet a tall, attractive stranger with a fondness for nougat. Three eyeshadows will captivate your soul in April – do not forget to ask for it back, or you’ll never see it again. You will gain a new appreciation for the colour of dungeon mould. Do not buy lipsticks in August, or your lips will fall off. Lucky Number: 9, Lucky Monster: Mindflayer (note: the Oracle had a funny smile on her face when she said this…)
You will continue to feel suffused with the light of irreproachable holiness. Do not let this goad you into making unwise mascara purchases. June will bring a new penchant for exaggerated browbone highlighting. You will rock it. Quests will take on a new and more (nec)romantically meaningful aspect in late September. Proceed with caution, lest you anger the Gods. Do not buy moisturiser in November – all your eyelashes and eyebrow hair will fall out. Lucky Number: 3, Lucky Monster: Gelatinous Cube.
You will find new energy in a long-term beauty quest. A potato shaped like a goblin will herald a new period of prosperity in October, so make the most of it. Three of your fellow party members will irritate you, but only one of them is doing it intentionally. Your cream eyeshadows will appear dull in mid-July. This is a good time to invest in cosmetic glitters. Do not buy blush in May – your arms will fall off. Lucky Number: 8, Lucky Monster: Orc Shaman
You will spend less time in the trees and more time in the mountains this year, so invest in a good moisturiser. March will make you feel optimistic, so put on a bold lipstick and take the opportunity to make your bid for leading the party. Avoid dungeons that begin with the letter Q. A close friend will tell you a secret in December. If you reveal it, all your cream blushes will curdle. Do not buy mascara in January, or your eyeballs will fall out. Lucky Number: 7, Lucky Monster: Goblin Rat Knight.
2015 will bring many changes in your daily routine, and you will become short-tempered with your familiar. If it is an owl, it will retaliate by regurgitating rat remnants in unexpected locations. You will learn to do your makeup in under 30 seconds, with your off-hand. You will discover an incredible new cruelty-free indie lipstick producer in August, and suffer a period of temporary but enjoyable insanity. Do not buy contour/bronzer in April, or your cheekbones will collapse. Lucky Number: 9, Lucky Monster: Red Dragon (note: again with the creepy Oracle half-smile?)
That was all the Oracle gave me on that trip, adventurers! I wanted to ask about more classes, but she said she needed a cup of tea, a lie-down, and something to get the zombie chicken entrails off her dress with. I hope you’ve had a bit of fun here, and feel better prepared for your 2015 beauty quests 😉
What do you think, fellow adventurers? Which beauty adventurer are you? How was your horoscope? What are your beauty and quest plans for 2015?
Until next time, fellow adventurers, don’t forget to check for traps!
I am an adventuring rogue, not a mercenary for hire, and as such, all opinions expressed here are my own, based on a genuine fondness for/interest in this product. If you have any queries or suggestions, please do not hesitate to pin your parchment to the board (contact me) at thepaintedrogue [at] gmail [dot] com., or use the contact form provided! All images and text on this blog are the property of The Painted Rogue unless otherwise stated. If you nick off with any of it, be prepared to find that your morning hot beverage tastes a little…different than usual. Didn’t the rogue say something the other day about that new poison that makes your inner ear itch maddeningly for the rest of your life? I think she did…